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Sandpaper
Kisses
Sandpaper kisses on the cheek or the
chin
that is the way for a day to begin.
Sandpaper kisses,
a cuddle, a purr
I have an alarm clock covered with fur.
author: unknown
The Twelve Days
of Christmas for Cat People
Author: unknown
On the first day of Christmas
when I brought home my tree
My 12 cats were laughing at me.
On the second day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the third day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the fourth day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the fifth day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me
On the sixth day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the seventh day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me
On the eighth day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the ninth day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the tenth day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas
I saw beneath my tree
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas
I looked at my poor tree
12 cats a-climbing
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed-through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half-dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and
my 12 cats laughing at me!
Dog nurses
kitten found under SUV hood
VICTORIA, Texas (AP)
- By all accounts, Tahoe is a typical kitten:
cute, sleepy and hungry. But his eating habits are far from typical,
as the
stray's been nursing from a 3-year-old dog named Lillie.
Story and picture.
The cat’s got your
tongue
"Shell Shocked" by Art Stevens
My eleven-year old cat decided to speak to me after all these years.
I was astonished, of course,
as you would be too if real words came out of your own cat’s mouth
instead of “meow.”
My wife had taken the car to Periwinkle to go shopping and I was
alone in the house. It was around 3 p.m. on a Saturday after-noon. I
had just settled into my favorite chaise lounge facing the gulf, and
was about to plunge into a James Patterson suspense mystery when
Tiger (our cat) entered the living room.
He did a long, low stretch, as cats do right after a fitful nap,
gave a deep yawn and slowly walked toward me. He paused right in
front of me, and as was his longtime custom, appeared to set himself
for some solid
stroking and petting. Absentmindedly, my left arm started downward
while my right held the paperback.
“Hold it right there, Art,” came this voice from nearby. I looked
down and saw Tiger grinning at me. “Yes, it’s me.” Then noticing my
jaw dropping to the floor, Tiger said, “What’s the matter, cat got
your tongue?” Whereupon he started to giggle and turned several
somersaults.
“Is that you, Tiger?” I blurted out. “Who did you think it was,
Paris Hilton?” More giggles and somersaults. Suddenly he sat up
straight and became all serious. “Listen, Art. I decided to talk to
you today because we’ve got to change our relationship. It’s not
working.” “What do you mean it’s not working?” I stammered.
“First of all, I don’t like the name Tiger. Why did you ever give it
to me?” “Well, you’re an orange tabby cat with a white chest and a
white nose. We thought it would be cute for a cat with your coloring
to be named Tiger.”
“Cute,
cute. That’s all you ever thought of me. Cute. Don’t you think I
have feelings too?”
“Well,
yes, but…”
“Yes,
but nothing. There have to be some changes around here if you want
me to be a card carrying pet. First of all, my new name from now on
is Bob.”
“Bob?”
“Yes, Bob. We cats feel that since we live with humans, we want to
be treated like humans. Would you name your own child Tiger?” I
quickly thought about Tiger Woods but let it pass. “No, I guess
not.”
“And another thing,” Tiger – or Bob – continued. “Why do you put me
in that God awful carrying case when we go somewhere in the car?”
I had
him there. “Because you’re always throwing up. You and cars don’t
seem to get along.”
He was stumped on that one.
“Well why do you always put me in another room at night? Why can’t I
stay with you?” I was ready for that one too. “Because you always
nibble on our arms at 2 a.m. when you decide you’re hungry. We don’t
like to be awakened like clockwork every night.”
Tiger started pacing. His voice was heating up. “Well, if you fed me
more at dinner, I wouldn’t have to wake you up at night.”
“My dear Tiger —-“
“Bob.”
“Yes, Bob. If we fed you as much as you always like to eat, you’d be
an overweight, obese cat. In fact you’d look like a bob-cat. Get it?
Bob-cat.” Whereupon I started to giggle myself, tried a somersault
or two, strained my back and got back into my chair.
“That’s not very funny,” Tiger said.
“You mean you decided to talk after eleven years just to bicker with
me?” I asked exasperatedly.
“No, that’s not the real reason.”
“Then, what is?”
There was a long pause. Tiger looked up at me with those great big
cat eyes. “To tell you that I love you.”
Tears
welled up in my eyes. “I love you, too.” Tiger jumped up into my lap
and started licking my face. And there we were unashamedly hugging
each other when my wife walked in with her groceries.
I looked up at her. “Bob and I were just having a little
conversation.”
“Bob?” she said with raised eyebrows.
I looked at Tiger. “Tell her, Bob.” Nothing. Silence. Tiger was
purring in my lap and closed his eyes.
“Bob?” my wife said again breaking the silence. “Who’s Bob?”
Tiger
was fast asleep. I sighed deeply.
“Never mind, dear. Could you make me a double vodka martini on the
rocks when you’ve put the groceries away?
Copyright by Art Stevens
2007. First published on the
Sanibel-CaptivaIslander.com web site.
Seeing eye cat guides blind dog
Happy Mother's Day!
The Ellen Show was on, and she read this
submission to a contest from a viewer:
"We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack, who just recently
died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit
on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all
day long on this mat in our bathroom.
We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3
years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves
chapstick. LOVES IT. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then
losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep
my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed
to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and
try to get ready for brunch with everyone crying and carrying on. My two
boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box I am trying to nurse my
little one at the same time I am putting on my
make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this
is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am
looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the
corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my
chapstick very carefully to. . . Jack's REAR END!!!!
Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat,
you know that he is right -- their little butts DO look pretty
chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the
FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever, because it reminds me
that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little
creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been
using YOUR chapstick on the cat's BUTT.
If anyone
asks you whether cats are smart, show them this...
Mystery cat takes regular bus to the shops
6/20/07 While adding the
pictures above, I figured out how it is
that the cat in the story below can take the bus. McCavity is deaf!
All white cats with two eye colors are deaf at birth. It's genetic. I'm surprised
the newspaper coverage didn't mention this, as it's a fairly well known
fact among vets and cat people I know. In my experience, most cats
are not as afraid of the motion of riding as they are of all the
mechanical and traffic noises buses and cars make. But, a deaf cat
wouldn't have this problem. ~ Dick, The Webmaster
From The Daily Mail,
London,
9th April 2007:
Bus drivers have
nicknamed a white cat Macavity after it has started using the No 331
several mornings a week. The feline, which has a purple collar, gets
onto the busy Walsall to Wolverhampton bus at the same stop most
mornings - he then jumps off at the next stop 400m down the road, near a
fish and chip shop. The
cat was nicknamed Macavity after the mystery cat in T.S Elliot's poem.
He gets on the bus in front of a row of 1950s semi-detached houses and
jumps off at a row of shops down the road which include a fish and chip
shop.
The cat, nicknamed Macavity, has one blue eye and
one green eye
Driver Bill Khunkhun, 49,
who first saw the cat jumping from the bus in January, said: "It is
really odd, the first time I saw the cat jumping off the bus with a
group of passengers. I hadn't seen it get on which was a bit confusing.
The next day I pulled up on Churchill Road to let a couple of passengers
on. As soon as I opened the doors the cat ran towards the bus, jumped on
and ran under one of the seats, I don't think any of the passengers
noticed. Because I had seen it jump off the day before I carried on
driving and sure enough when I stopped just down the road he jumped off
- I don't know why he would catch the bus but he seems to like it. I
told some of the other drivers on this route and they have seen him
too."
Since January, when the
cat first caught the bus he has done it two or three times a week and
always gets on and off at the same stops.
Passenger, Paul Brennan,
19, who catches the 331 to work, said: "I first noticed the cat a few
weeks ago. At first I thought it had been accompanied by its owner but
after the first stop it became quite clear he was on his own. "He sat at
the front of the bus, waited patiently for the next stop and then got
off. It was was quite strange at first but now it just seems normal. I
suppose he is the perfect passenger really - he sits quietly, minds his
own business and then gets off."
Though it was written in 2003, it's terrific!
HERDING CATS: Ten Tips for Managing People
Herding cats – picture that scenario in your mind and think about
what a difficult task that would be if that were your job. Cats are
independent, try to be in control of the situation at all times, and
definitely don’t like to be told what to do! Managing people, from
pubescents to prima donnas, can be equally as challenging. Substitute
the word “people” for “cats” as you practice the following Ten Tips, and
you’ll be well on your way to successful people management while
maintaining your sanity, a sense of humor, and perhaps a shred of your
dignity.
1. Lead Without Commanding.
Ordering cats to do anything is a waste of everyone’s time and talents.
Cats usually respond better to non-threatening, non-aggressive
leadership, and are more likely to accept leadership if it is offered
and not imposed.
2. Earn Their Trust.
Cats need to know that their leader can be relied upon to be truthful,
fair, consistent, and supportive. Respect must be given before trust can
be earned. Respect who the cat is and you’ll eventually be rewarded with
its trust. Trust is mutual – you must also trust the cat.
3. Be Real.
Be yourself, and be genuine about it. Kids, dogs, cats – they all can
spot a phony, a posturer, a BS'er, from a mile away, and they always
seem to know who really doesn’t like them, no matter how you try to
disguise it. On the positive side, they also sense who does like them.
4. Give Them Space.
Cats do things for their reasons, not yours. Cats need freedom to move
about without restrictions or judgment. Cats need space just to be cats.
They need permission to explore, to wonder, to learn, to take charge of
their own actions and responsibilities.
5. Provide Lots of Rewards.
Cats need to feel valued and affirmed for who they are and what they do.
Rewards, even small treats, mean a lot and are always appreciated. Be
generous with praise – and don’t expect any in return.
6. Take Time to Play.
Cats like to relax, stretch, and find ways to play. Playtime helps
provide cats a positive way to relieve stress, to refresh and renew
themselves, and to turn on their creative juices. Just watch a cat
imagine that a feather on a string is really an exotic bird to be
hunted.
7. Land on Your Feet.
Develop a win-win attitude in all your interpersonal relationships.
Never back a cat into a corner, and allow everyone (yourself included) a
safe exit with grace and dignity.
8. Read the Signals.
A growl, a hiss, an arched back and a ruffled tail mean “back off!”
There is usually a very good reason why a cat senses danger or is
reluctant to go in the direction you want it to go. Pay attention, and
try to find out what’s causing the problem. Sometimes it’s not a good
idea to force the issue.
9. Be Clear About Boundaries.
Cats need to know their limits. Be clear, consistent, and firm about the
rules and boundaries. A spray water bottle and a loud “NO!” work wonders
if used only when necessary (NOTE: the spray bottle technique isn’t
recommended for people, even though it may be tempting at times…).
10. Keep the Litter Box Clean.
Well, there are some messes that must be cleaned up as a part of any
manager’s job, aren’t there? Maintain a clean, safe environment in which
to do your business, and you’ll have much happier cats!
© 2003 Charles Boyer,
Infinite Perspectives Coaching & Consulting
published with permission
When Children Turn Into
Cats
by Adair Lara
Long, but worth it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT while children are dogs,
loyal and affectionate, teenagers are cats.
It's so easy to be the owner of a dog. You feed it,
train it, boss it around and it puts its head on your
knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt
painting.
It follows you around, chews the dust
covers off the Great Literature series
if you stay too long at the party
and bounds inside with enthusiasm
when you call it in from the yard.
Then, one day around age 13, your adoring little
puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to
come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who
died and made you emperor.
Instead of dogging your footsteps, it disappears.
You won't see it again until it gets hungry, when it
pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough
to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When
you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old
affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then
gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember
where it has seen you before.
It sometimes conks out right after breakfast. It might
steel itself to the communication necessary to get the
back door opened or the car keys handed to it, but
even that amount of dependence is disagreeable to
it now.
Stunned, more than a little hurt, you have two
choices. The first -- and the one chosen by many
parents -- is that you can continue to behave like a
dog owner. After all, your heart still swells when
you look at your dog, you still want its company,
and naturally when you tell it to stop digging up the
rose bushes, you still expect it to obey you, pronto.
IT PAYS NO attention now, of course, being a cat.
So you toss it onto the back porch, telling it it can
stay there and think about things, mister, and it
glares at you, not deigning to reply. It wants you to
recognize that it has a new nature now, and it must
feel independent or it will die.
You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think
something must be desperately wrong with it. It
seems so anti-social, so distant, so sort of
depressed. It won't go on family outings.
Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch
and stay and sit on command, naturally you assume
that whatever is wrong with it is something you did,
or left undone. Flooded with guilt and fear, you
redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.
Only now, you're dealing with a cat, so everything
that worked before now produces exactly the
opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs
away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The
more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the
more it moves away.
Your second choice is to do the necessary reading,
and learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of
food near the door, and let it come to you. If you
must issue commands, find out what it wants to do,
and command it to do it.
BUT REMEMBER THAT a cat needs affection,
too, and your help. Sit still, and it will come, seeking
that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely
forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
Realize that all dog owners go through this, and few
find it easy. My glance used to travel from my cat
Mike looking regal and aloof on the fence to a
foolish German shepherd on the sidewalk across the
street, jumping for joy simply because he was
getting to go outside. Now I miss the little boy who
insisted I watch ``Full House'' with him, and who
has now sealed him into a bedroom with a stereo
and TV. The little girl who wrote me mash notes
and is now peeling rubber in the driveway.
The only consolation is that if you do it right, let
them go, be cool as a cat yourself, one day they will
walk into the kitchen and give you a big kiss and
say, you've been on your feet all day, let me get
those dishes for you -- and you'll realize they're
dogs again.
The Cat That Dropped From
Heaven
Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense
of humor?
A church pastor found a stray kitten that had climbed up a tree in his
backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm
milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he
tied a rope between the tree and his car and drove a little way so that
the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That's what
he did, all the while checking his progress from the car. He figured if he
went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for
him to reach the kitten. But, as he moved the car a little further
forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly
sailed through the air---out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking
people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.
Finally, he prayed, "Lord, I commit this kitten to your keeping," and went
on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church
members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see
cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked
her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then
told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept
refusing. "A few days ago she was begging for a cat again, so I finally
said, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' Then, I
watched her go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes.
A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
outspread, and landed right in front of her."
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor!
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